my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
