Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
