I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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