I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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