whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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