Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize