i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
