Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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