I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
