...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
