Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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