the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
