There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
