Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
