We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
