It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize