she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
