im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
