Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
