i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
