i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
