Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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