We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
