thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
