shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
