I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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