Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
