You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
