sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
