When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
