you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize