Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
she told me i tasted like america
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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