you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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