I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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