just tell him i said nine months
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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