matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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