I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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