we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize