If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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