She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
So. Much. Porn.
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