Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
