We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
