I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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