well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
