After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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