I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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