Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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