I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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