Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just tell him i said nine months
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize