just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize