So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
