I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
