Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
