Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
