I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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