he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
