Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
