If i come over, it means nothing
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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