Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
