so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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